


A Big Finish: The SMASH Drabble Collection

by Sokorra



Series: The "Quote" Prompt Series [20]
Category: Smash (TV)
Genre: F/M, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-31
Updated: 2016-10-02
Packaged: 2018-04-12 04:26:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 7,784
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4465418
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sokorra/pseuds/Sokorra
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A series of drabbles (100-500 word stories) based on the TV show Smash.  Part of the Quote Prompt  & Lyric Prompt challenges.  Pairings and characters shall be added as they appear.</p><p>(Note the first chapter is a repost from 'The Drabble Club', where it has have been removed.  Chapters 2 onward are new material).</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. ...as seen in the Drabble Club

**“In _musicals there’s always a happy ending, but in life sometimes when you get what you want you end up missing what you left behind.”_**

_JD ‘Scrubs’ (3/19)_

He should be happy.  This should feel terrific and just right but instead it didn’t feel like much at all.  Here he was, his arms around Karen, kissing her.  Something he had wanted for close to a year now, but he wasn’t finding it to be what he imagined it to be.

Karen seemed to have the same reaction, because she pulled back from the kiss and looked at him as if she was thinking something over. He had drunk enough that his mind had a nice vagueness to it, but not enough to miss what those eyes were saying.

“Was that...” she started, biting her lip.

“Not what you expected?”  he answered, an eyebrow raised.  She sighed in relief that he understood.  “No, I can’t say it was.”  He moved back to where he was sitting by himself.  He pulled down the shirt she had been playing with as they had kissed.

“I’m..I’m sorry,” she said, sitting up herself.  “I thought maybe....”

“Yeah, me too.  Guess we were both wrong.”  It didn’t make any sense. He had wanted her for so long it should have been like coming home.  Instead it seemed almost mechanical.  Like they were doing this for show rather than for real.  Nothing like it had been with..  He shut that thought off.  He didn’t want to think about Ivy.

Except he couldn’t help but think about her, to compare.  Ivy had been another consistent in his life the last year.  She might not have been his muse, but she had been his friend, his lover and for awhile almost it seemed like being with her had been the most comfortable thing in the world.

Except she had ended it.  He still didn’t understand why.  He thought it was because of Karen, though she insisted it was more than that.  And even if was Karen, it really didn’t matter now.  He had thought he could go after his muse.

Turned out a Muse is not always someone who could be your lover.  It seemed strange to him how she could inspire him, attract him even, yet when it came time to actually act on the attraction it felt like he was playacting?

“I think...maybe I’m not over Jimmy.”  

Yeah. Derek thought to himself. Lets go with that.  It was easier to blame her feelings for Jimmy Collins to blame his own for Ivy.


	2. April 2014 Prompts

**“I didn’t lie dollface, I just omitted certain truths.”**

_Rocky ‘Chicken Run’ (4/06)_

 

There were certain things Derek liked to himself about.  About how horrible he had been to Tom, how he tended to be superficial when it came to relationships in general.  To be honest, Tom was still probably the closest he had to a best friend, and mostly that was because they had gone into enemies.  Things were better now, but he wouldn't call Tom a confident.  Tom's basic part in his life was to call him on his more obvious shit.

It was funny it took Ivy to call him on his less obvious bullshit.  Tom backed her of course, but then Tom liked anything that made Derek out to be the bad guy.  It was annoying, but if he was honest with himself, the way things ended between them made it reasonable on Tom's part.  Well, mainly reasonable.  Tom was one to hold grudges maybe a little too long.  

Perhaps it was Ivy and Karen together that tended to call him out, or push him to see the lies in what he told himself.

He told himself that Karen was his muse, even to the point he thought he was in love with her.  Karen had always seen the truth.  Sure, the attraction ended up being mutual, but she was the one to hold back, and in the end she was the one to recognize it for what it was.  They were attracted to each other, but whatever it was that made you switch from friends to something more wasn't there, it had already been given to someone else.

Ivy tended to be his balance.  When he found himself doubting, she wouldn't.  When he needed someone to pull him back from being too much a dictating director, she would.  He wasn't sure why Tom and Veronica telling him something only sank in when Ivy told him too.

Or maybe it was another lie he told himself.

 

* * *

 

 

 

**“Least there is some comfort in knowing whatever is going to happen today has already happened.”**

_Josh ‘The West Wing’ (4/18)_

 

There was no reason to be this nervous.  The awards were picked already. They were printed up.  She had already won or lost, there was nothing to do about it now.  But this was the last show before the Tonys, and she still felt like if she gave a bad performance now it would affect the results.

That and she needed to prove to herself that the news she still carried alone wasn't going to affect her portrayal of Marilyn.  She had a limited amount of time before she wouldn't be able to continue the role.  Three, maybe four months if she ended up showing later in the pregnancy. She doubted her luck would hold out for that.

She was two and a half months pregnant, and everything she had been told said that around 4-5 months she would start showing.  So goodbye Marilyn.  And she knew she would have to tell them soon.

But for now she pushed that to the back of her mind, and went on stage, hoping to give a great performance that would led people to believe she either won that award without question, or deserved it if she lost.

 

* * *

 

  



	3. May '14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jimmy doesn't believe in love at first sight, but Kyle did.

**“I saw you across the bar while I was waiting for him. You were alone, and I knew in one heart stopping instant that I was lost. Just one glance from you.”**

_Samson ‘The Deep’_

(5/11)

Jimmy didn't believe in love at first sight.  He certainly hadn't loved Karen at first sight.  However, Kyle did.  He always was the romantic between the too of them.  And that was part of the reason Jimmy needed Kyle around him.  He was the romantic, the optimist, the yin to Jimmy's pessimistic realist yang.   And he was pretty sure that Kyle had fallen for Tom Lovett at first site.

He had come home from the Boston production, yammering on about this wonderful girl (Karen, he would later find out and she was in fact wonderful and amazing,but that was another tale), and how he was sure with a few changes Lovett and Houston would have a hit on their hands.

And he had a glazed look on his face when he talked about Lovett who he had apparently seen from a distance at the showing.  A few months later when they had been properly introduced at Liasons, Kyle had been in full crush mode.  It became worse when the two actually got together a few months after that.

It made Jimmy happy that at least Kyle was happy in the end.  Maybe not with him - he was an asshole, and everyone knew that.  He couldn't tell you how sorry he was for that last day.  That his last words to his best friend were in anger.  He couldn't help wonder if he hadn't run away, if he had been waiting at the apartment when Kyle got home, if Kyle would still be alive.

But on the brighter end of things, for the last few weeks of his life, Kyle Bishop had been in love, and while Jimmy didn't know if Tom had loved Kyle back, it was clear the older man had cared deeply for him.  Had been the first to carry the sorrow of Kyle's death.

So maybe Jimmy didn't believe in love at first sight, but Kyle did and for once he had his dream come true.

 

 


	4. June 2014

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Derek can't seem to understand what is going on in his own mind.

_“I got a new life now, and one of the best things about it is it don’t include you.”_

_Roxie Hart ‘Chicago’ (6/07)_

Derek missed his doorway.  When he had upgraded to the penthouse suite in the apartment building he had gotten his own private elevator.  It is really hard to slam a elevator door.  And he felt like slamming things.  His bedroom didn't have a door either and he cursed the open floor plan.

He couldn't decide what made him more upset.  The fact that Ivy had dumped him, or the whole Daisy situation.   But he choose to focus on Ivy, because he really really really did not want to think about Daisy right now.

He had finally come to terms with the fact that he had real emotions for Ivy.  She wasn't someone to keep the lonely nights at bay.  Well, she was, but there was more to what he felt for her then that.  He wasn't sure he was ready to say he was in love with her as Karen was to say she was in love with Jimmy, but he cared a great deal.

And as it turns out, a minute too late.  He wasn't sure what happened in the past week, but ever since the opening of Bombshell, their relationship had gone down the tubes.  She had rejected him, avoided him and then came to support him which gave him hope that maybe they could fix whatever was the problem.

Except the problem was him.  And his tendency to date his leading ladies.  Or at least some woman within the production.  It wasn't always the leading lady.  Either way, Ivy was no longer willing to take the chance that he would change.  And she hadn't seemed upset by it.  As if it was just an ordinary observation.

Why did it hurt so much, watching her leave?  She had basically accused him of never being faithful. It should make him more angry then just sad with the urge to do destruction to doorways.  Maybe it was because he knew she had pretty bad examples to go by.  He had only dated her in the first place because she was in Bombshell.  And while he had never lied about what he felt about her talent, being with him probably made her doubt everything, especially after Rebecca.  And then the harassment suit.  And then Daisy...which she didn't even know about.

He settled for throwing a binder full of script annotations from My Fair Lady before it had been closed down due to the Boss' divorce across the room.  It landed with a loud thump on the table.

He didn't feel better, but he figured there was nothing to make him feel better about the truth.

  



	5. July 2014

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Canonical Character death.
> 
> Jimmy's thoughts after "The Phenom".

(7/7)

**“He shouldn’t have been there. He- He was only doing it for you. Face it. You killed him.”**

_ Lee “Apollo” Adama ‘Battlestar Galactica’ _

 

Jimmy continued to sit on the stage as people filed out of the room, as the cast began to reset the stage. He couldn't bring himself to move.  He just had the same thought run over and over in his head.

Kyle was dead and it was his fault.

If he hadn't gone and thrown a tantrum, Kyle wouldn't have been so angry with him.  If he hadn't left in a huff, Kyle wouldn't have followed him back to Adams to leave his stuff.  He wouldn't have been crossing the street, and he wouldn't be dead.  Wouldn't have died alone on some street he didn't even know the name of.  

He wouldn't have died.

Karen kept close, helping the others, but watching him.  He appreciated it, the part of him that could take in what was going on around him.  The majority of him though was too filled with Grief to think.

Kyle had been his best friend.  Had helped him out of the hole he kept falling into.  Helped him find something to drive him more than drugs.  Gave him a family when the one he had had broken apart.  And how had he repaid his friend, his brother?  By throwing fits, by flying off every time things got too intense or he felt infringed upon.  And lets face it, it was very easy to make him feel infringed upon.

That last fight in the dressing room, when Kyle had basically told him off, which he knew now he quite deserved, he had said things he shouldn't.  Kyle didn't deserve to have that thrown in his face.  Yes, Kyle had a crush on Jimmy once, back when they first met, but that had been a long time ago.  And Kyle deserved much more than to be punished for once thinking that there could have been more.  Kyle had never pushed, never said he deserved more.

And he deserved so much more then he got.

Karen finally came and sat next to him, wrapping her arm around his shoulders and leaning her head against his shoulder.  He could feel his shirt getting wet as she released her own tears.  Kyle had been her friend too.

It was all his fault.

* * *

 


	6. December 2014

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> \- Ivy welcomes her daughter (Maddie Drabble)  
> \- Ivy is still angry  
> \- Derek deals with Teenage tantrums (Maddie Drabble)  
> \- Derek deals with the consequences  
> \- Jimmy makes some decisions

**"I'm really looking forward to meeting him."  
** _ Sue 'Outnumbered'  
_ _ (12/13) _

 

Ivy decided she had never understood love at first sight till she finally got to hold her daughter.  Madison Leigh Wills had been born bright and early on December 22nd, after nearly ten hours of labor. Well, that she knew of.  Apparently the pains she had been feeling for awhile had been labor and she had just ignored it for awhile.  It had been too early, but the baby was here, and healthy.

Derek hadn’t arrived yet, trapped on the other side of the country trying to get a plane back to New York.  Oddly enough Karen had been with her the whole time, and was now passed on on the empty bed in the room.  It was quiet as people were only starting to wake up in the rooms around them.  She could hear the nurses in the hall, and the steady noises of machinery but her attention was on Maddie.

She was beautiful. She had been both eager and scared of giving birth, of finally having this baby girl in her arms.  She seemed perfect in Ivy’s eyes.  Her eyes were blue, but she knew they would probably fade into her father’s hazel.  She had little wisps of black hair.  She clearly took after Derek.

“Your Daddy can’t wait to meet you,” She whispered to her daughter, not wanting to wake Karen up.  “He’d be here, but he has to fly in because someone decided to come a little early.”

“Luckily they had a flight they could squeeze me in on.”  She looked up startled and smiled when she saw Derek in the doorway.  He walked over to her, his eyes already drawn to the baby she was cradling.”

“See, Maddie, here’s your Daddy.”  She lifted her up enough that Derek could take her in his arms.

“God, she’s perfect, isn’t she?”  He grinned down at her. 

“She is,” she said in return, both of them turning to look at their daughter.

(Note:  I plan on eventually expanding this one into a whole story)

 

* * *

 

 

**"Nope, I'm still furious at you."  
** _ Rosa 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine  
(12/15) _

She had thought about visiting him.  It hadn’t taken her long to realise that she was still too angry with him to go through with it. Sure, he had finally done the right thing, but she couldn’t decide if it was too late or not.  This had more than her at stake. 

She re-read the article over and over again over the course of two weeks.  Read him basically lay himself bare for the papers.  The tone of the article told her that the reporter was just as surprised as anyone.  He talked about Daisy, he talked about Rebecca Duvall, and briefly touched upon her and Karen.  Daisy didn’t get shown in a good light but in the days afterwards she had made her own statements, playing on the victim card.  How she was seduced by the man with all the power.

Somehow Ivy believed it was less than either of their stories.  Daisy was no more the victim then Derek was.  They were both users.

Rebecca Duvall had no comments, having already done her round a year before.  Karen of course remained silent, but she came across as the girl who stood up to the big bad wolf.

Ivy didn’t know how she herself looked.  All the facts would say she used him to get the role of Marilyn and he dropped her when he switched to Karen.  However, he kept phrasing things like she was a serious relationship, like she was the one he wanted to protect from the backlash this was going to cause.

Reporters asked her about it when she came out for her nightly stroll through the crowds with a sharpie.  She gave no comments most of the time, answering a question when it was actually a good one.  One reporter asked if she regretted her relationship with Derek.  She didn’t lie, just answered with a no.  Somehow that comment never made the papers.  They wanted her to hate him.  It cooled her anger somewhat.  She could never hate him.  She was furious with him, but she still loved him.   
  
Which is why when Karen subtly asked her to see Derek, she caved and finally sought him out.

 

* * *

 

 

**“Hey, you show your father some respect!”  
** _ Terry ‘Brooklyn Nine-Nine'   
( _ _ 12/24) _

 

Derek sighed as his teenage daughter slammed her bedroom door.  His son peaked out of his room at the noise, glanced at his parents standing at the end of the hallway and then went back to his room, headphones placing him back in the world of whatever videogame he was playing. 

“I suppose we are lucky we managed this long,”  Ivy said with a sigh, one hand squeezing his arm.  She leaned her head against her shoulder.  “She is 15.  She was bound to have the teenage meltdown.”

“Where did she hear about all that,”  He asked, wondering about the rant she had thrown back at them when they tried to tell her they didn’t approve of her dating someone so much older, and eighteen year old she had met at one of their preview shows.  It had been years since someone had brought up his scandalous dating record, or Ivy’s prescription problem back in Boston.  But Maddie knew about it, and she felt that was enough cause to have her parents not judge her dating choices.  He still felt she was too young to date, but he acknowledged he still did see her as just his baby girl.

Ivy snorted and gave him a look.  “Babe, she has internet and knowledge of wikipedia.  You don’t think she hasn’t googled us once or twice?”

“I was hoping to wait a little longer for that.”

“Well, look on the bright side.  Think about what Tom must be getting when his son wants to rebel.” Ivy joked, moving back into the living room.

 

* * *

 

 

**“And suddenly I understood what it felt like to be universally despised.”  
** _ JD ‘Scrubs’   
(12/29) _

He slowly sat back down on his bar stool, not quite sure what to make of Ivy’s words.  It seemed like the world was against him today.  Karen had never quite looked at him so angrily before, not even when she thought he was ruining the show by taking her music away.  Ana of course had all the reasons in the world to be pissed at him.  Eileen had yelled at him over the phone earlier.  No one was really happy with him at the moment.

But somehow it was Ivy’s look of disappointment that lingered. She had asked him over there for a reason, and he doubt it was about Ana.  Something important it seemed, but whatever she had meant to say she no longer wanted to tell him.

He knew it had been stupid, knew it had been wrong, but somehow he imagined it would have turned out right the end.  Only in hindsight did he realise just how incredibly stupid that had been. The people he honestly cared about, whose opinion mattered in the whole damn thing didn’t want a thing to do with him.

As he sat there, staring at his drink as the ice slowly melted, he determined there was only one thing he could do, and that was what he should have done months ago.

He needed to tell the truth.

 

* * *

 

 

**“I wasn’t laughing, I wasn’t laughing. I was just thinking ‘I just got hit by thunder’. And that was you.”** _ Samson ‘The Deep’  
(12/30) _

Jimmy sat in his seat, watching  _ Hitlist  _  but not thinking about what was going on in front of him.  Sam clearly had everything together.  The musical was great, and it was all because of Kyle.  Kyle would be so proud to see his show on broadway.  If only he were here to see it.

His thoughts turned to Karen.  She had been the one to start them on this path.  This path that saw Kyle's dream come true, that saw himself finally find the courage to grow up completely.  He often thought of Kyle as some sort of guardian angel, saving him over and over, but Karen had helped this time. 

He didn’t like to think about how much he loved her.  Kyle’s death had made it hard to think about that, but now that it had been over a month, his grief had subsided enough to allow him to ponder his relationship with Karen.  He had heard Derek called her his muse, and Jimmy could understand that.  There was something in Karen that inspired you to do more.  Inspired you to be a better artist, to be a better person.

He didn’t deserve the love she gave him, after everything.  He hadn’t been ready for her, still wasn’t.  He needed to make right things he should have made right before.  She deserved better, Kyle deserved better.  
  
So better he’ll be.


	7. August 2014

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> \- Derek is jealous  
> \- Tom & Derek argue over names

**"How many fell madly in love and wanted to take you away from all this?"**

_ Kaylee 'Firefly _

_ (8/11) _

 

Derek realised right away the reason why Terry had asked Ivy to direct his new play. The comedian was a bit odd, but he wasn't too bad an actor when the vehicle was right. And Ivy seemed to have just the right touch to mold him into what he needed to be. Which was a excellent reason to want to work with a director. Except Derek realised that was only partially the reason.

The man had somehow fallen in love with Ivy.

He wasn't sure he liked this feeling. Knowing he had competition. He could tell that Ivy did not feel the same way for Terry, and he knew she wouldn't even try anything if she did. She wasn't like him, he would know long before she moved on to someone else that she was going to. But Terry treated her like she was amazing, like she was some sort of goddess sent to help thespians everywhere. And Derek couldn't quite claim he treated her as well.

So basically Terry was a better option on paper. Successful actor, no scandal to overcome beyond how badly Liaisons was, who treated her well and seemed to find a balance between work and not-work. Derek was a semi-employed director who had trouble getting work because of a scandal, who was sarcastic in inappropriate situations and frankly never did treat her right till she wasn't his anymore.

But at the end of the day Ivy would turn to him with a smile that reminded him that he was the one who got to go home with her. He didn't go to all the rehearsals, just a few when Ivy asked him for some feedback or when he had to pick her up for a lunch or an appointment. But enough that he got jealous, envious that someone else saw what he did and wasn't afraid to actually let her know.

* * *

 

 

**“I enjoyed the last one so much I wanted one more. I’m done now.”**

_ Brennan ‘Bones’ _

_ (8/31) _

“I still think Tom was a great name!” 

“Of course you do.  It's  _ yours _ ,” Derek fired back with the roll of his eyes.  “And technically we did still use it.”

“But as a middle name.  James Thomas.  You effectively named your child JT.”

“Well, as its his middle name, not his last name, I don’t think there will be much confusion.”

“There’s always the next one,” Karen joked from her corner, the one actually holding the newest arrival.  Jamie Wills seemed quite content in his Auntie’s arms, ignoring the commotion of his father and Uncle Tom arguing over naming rights.

“Yes, go ahead.  You bring that up with Ivy,” Derek said, amusement in his tone.  “See how far you get with that.”  The two of them had decided they only wanted one more.  Especially since it took them three years to be able to have this one.  They were done.

“No, thanks.  I like my ability to breathe,” she joked back.  “How is she doing.  Sleeping I’m guessing since the baby is out here with us.”

“Pretty worn out, yeah.”  His tone turned softer as he looked towards the door to his wife’s hospital room.  Her pregnancy with Jamie had been rather unexceptional compared to the one with Madison, but the labor had been longer and by the time he was born, she about fell asleep on the doctor.

“Who did choose the name?”  Tom asked curious.  “I’m assuming Ivy choose Thomas.”

“We both did.”  He rolled his eyes at Tom’s raised brow. “Don’t get like that. Or else we are changing it Samuel.  It's mostly Ivy’s idea but I liked the name before she mentioned it was after you.  James of course is after her father.” 

“Whatever the name, he’s beautiful, Derek”  Karen said, rocking the little newborn.  “Maddie’s going to be overjoyed.”  The three smiled at each other as their attentions all went to Jaime.


	8. February 2016 Prompts I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 1\. Derek observes  
> 2\. Ivy won't return Derek's calls  
> 3\. Derek hadn't planned this ending.

All of the words in all of my life   
That could never explain and never describe   
All of my love which is nothing to hide   
I lift up my hands and I worship   
\-- **_”All Of The Words” by Kutless_ **

(2/2)

Sometimes he watched her as she drifted off to sleep, or was working at the kitchen counter, her mind off in whatever world was on those pages.  Whenever he could study her without her knowing, or maybe knowing but not acknowledging it but looking back at him.

He wondered if he would ever stop feeling this sense of being grateful for getting this second chance, and he can’t imagine it.  He had screwed it up badly the last time, broke both their hearts.  They were still mending, still not quite trusting each other that it won’t happen again.  

But it was getting there.

He liked to watch her when she was unaware of anything around her, in the zone of her work.   It was almost as if he could see things in her eyes as she moved from one item on the page to something else, building a picture of the words.  He knew when he was working he did the same thing, almost as if he could see it right in front of his face when there was nothing there.  It was different watching it in someone else’s eyes.

He had missed this when she had been gone.  This sense that they were on the same page, that in their own ways the created worlds and played in them.  Solved puzzles and made things make sense.  Even though they worked on different projects it didn’t feel like they were doing it alone when they did it at the same time.

He missed this sense of togetherness.  And perhaps that, most of all, made him realise that he was never going to free himself from her.  That she had become what he needed, and vise versa.  There were never going to be words enough to describe what she meant to him.  Even if he could find the words, it wasn’t in him to say them outloud.

He could only hope that she saw it when she looked at him, that she understood.

 

* * *

 

 

I can't say that I love you, I can't say that I don't   
I can't say that I couldn't, and I won't say that I won't   
But I really like your company, I'm enjoying myself no end   
But I can't keep from thinking   
\-- **_”Share The Darkness” by The Saw Doctors_ **

(2/11)

Derek sighed as the answering machine on Ivy’s phone picked up once more.  He wiped his hand through his hair, closing his eyes as he pondered the situation.  Things had been so weird between the two of them.  Ever since he asked what they should say if anyone asked.

It was like there was an elephant in the room and he had started sitting on Derek’s chest.

He wasn’t quite sure how he felt about the whole thing.  He had been a little unnerved being the one who wanted to move the relationship along and not the one wanting to reign it in a little.  It was like a complete swop of what they were the first time around.  And he had screwed it all up.

He took a drink at that thought, wanting to rid his memory of Daisy.  After Ivy’s parting shot at the party, he had slept with Daisy.  He wanted to claim he had been an innocent victim in all this, but he knew he couldn’t.  There wasn’t even enough to fit in denial.  He had slept with another woman and for the first time in a long time it had bothered him the next day.

It should have.  He and Ivy were supposed to be casual.  They were supposed to be able to find other partners if they so wished.  Except he had and hadn’t liked it and the idea of Ivy finding someone else made the alcohol sit heavy in his stomach.

And now Ivy wasn’t talking to him at all.  First it had been that she was too busy, but four times she had not even bothered to answer her cellphone or even a quick text that she’d call him later.  He didn’t know what to think about that.

Maybe he needed to just call it quits before things got even worse.  Before he fell in love with her.  Ivy Lynn was a star now, and she could have anyone she wanted, let alone a old Director who was starting to fall  _ out _ of love with his profession.

He picked up the phone and dialed again, hoping that this time she would answer and they could figure this all out.

 

* * *

 

 

We’ll turn the lights back on and straighten up the room   
I’m buttoning my shirt, I watch you as you fix your hair   
We’ll stumble downstairs content on what has just occurred, never feeling awkward   
But you know, I don’t have to tell you   
It was never about that, never about that   
\-- **_”Tequila Moonlight” by Self Against City_ **

Derek had honestly not planned to end up here tonight.  He wasn’t complaining, not at all.  But he hadn’t gone to her by-then-done birthday party with the intent of following her home and starting their relationship.  Or at least the less platonic aspects. 

It wasn’t that Derek never thought about it.  Ivy was an attractive woman, and he remembered their months together with fondness, even if the ending seemed to be the start of a cascade of things falling apart around him.  It was just that his mind had been partially on dealing with the rejection he got from Karen  (and when the girl chooses the other guy more then once, it's time to catch a clue), and dealing with Hitlist.  Spending time with a good friend who didn’t seem to hate him for his less-than-desirable qualities sounded really good right then.  And he had always planned on showing up- Sam had told him about the party weeks ago.

He hadn’t complained when she invited him back to her place as the bar was closing.  Or when once they were there she took the first step by pushing him up against the door and kissing him.  They had never had problems with this part of their relationship, and he went with it.

It was later, when they were just laying in bed together that he realised he had missed this.  Just being here with her.  Just the two of them, with broadway far enough away from their minds.   He hadn’t realised how much he wanted this.   He hadn’t thought of Karen all evening except for a brief moment when Ivy asked how things were going with Hitlist.  Other then that it had just been him and Ivy.  Joking about Tom (her more lovingly then he), talking about their other mutual friends, and random items of conversation.

It would take him a few months to realise what this was, that he had jumped into a relationship without knowing it only to find she hadn’t jumped in like he thought she had.  But it stopped being about the sex or having someone to soothe his wounded ego (not that he would admit that it had been wounded).  It was about the woman next to him, and how she saw through him when no one else tried.

He had started to allow himself to acknowledge that Ivy meant more.


	9. February 2016 Prompts II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 1\. Karen knows things  
> 2\. Karen ends things.

But when I looked at her   
I thought of only you   
If only there was proof   
I could use to show it’s true   
\-- **_”Crash” by You Me At Six_ **

(2/24)

Karen couldn’t figure it out.  She had been working up to this all night.  SHe had figured that the best person to get over Jimmy with would be Derek.  She knew he was interested, and he was an attractive man she now called friend.  But when they actually got down to business, it felt all wrong.

He was too tall.  She kept expecting him to be more her height, but that wasn’t Derek, that was Jimmy.  She kept being surprised by the feeling of Derek’s stubble against her face.  She would expect certain reactions only to get something else.

And she could tell it wasn’t just her, as sometimes Derek’s movements would get stuttery when he expected something different they what she could give.  She wondered if he was thinking of someone else, like she was.  If when he ran his hands through her hair he was thinking of blonde straight hair instead of the curly brunette he had.  If he kept looking into her eyes expecting Blue where there was brown.

Finally the Truth kept hitting her too hard to keep ignoring it.  She stopped Derek, and was almost surprised by the little bit of relief in his eyes.

“I’m sorry,” she said.  “I thought I could, but I can’t.”

“Jimmy?”  He asked, but his tone told her he knew the answer already.

“I love him.”  She paused, and wondered if he was ready for his own truth.  “And I don’t think I’m the only one bringing a ghost to the party.”

“No, he admitted surprisingly.  He seemed confused and Karen was caught between finding it annoying that he hadn’t caught on yet and being amused by his confusion.

Perhaps it was different being the one looking in instead of being part of the drama bubble.  After two years of witnessing the Ivy-Derek destruction she had observed a few things.  The two of them could bring out the best and the worst of each other (and she had seen both).  Ivy was also one of the few people who’s opinion Derek held highly.  She wasn’t sure he even knew.

“We should probably get some sleep,” she said, standing.  They also needed to sober up a little before rehearsal.  “I’ll get you some blankets.”  There was no way he was walking home like that.

 

* * *

 

 

It hurts me to say that it hurts me to stay   
And it might be alright if you go   
It hurts me to say that I want you to stay   
But it might be alright if you go   
\-- **_”Lover Dearest” by Marianas Trench_ **

(2/26)

Her heart ached.  She loved him so much, but she couldn’t take it anymore.  The secrets, the lies.  She kept imagining a happy ending, but not really finding it.  She wanted him to stay, but she knew it was better this way.  It was time she cut things off, stop allowing him to avoid the questions, avoid reality.

Stop allowing him to use her as distraction.

She knew from the start that he wasn’t going to be easy to be in a relationship with, but she hadn’t expected the secrecy.  The twists of the truth that were almost truth, but really lies to deflect her for yet another day.  She never knew what to expect and while that was interesting at first, it had long become more hurtful than intriguing.

Even as she said the words, blinking back the tears and ignoring the voice in her head begging him to say, she couldn’t tell what his reaction was.  He was a mask, not letting her in, more so than usual.  She knew she was right, knew this was the best for her.  

But it hurt.  She wanted to be able to save him from himself but she didn’t have it in her to be his savior anymore.  He kept putting her on a pedestal, and she was tired of trying not to fall off almost as much as she was tired of seeing him try to hide the rough edges she already knew to be there.

Sometimes, even though you really wish it was, love wasn’t enough to cure what ails you.

 


	10. March '16 Prompts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 1\. Derek tries calling Ivy  
> 2\. Ivy starts her recovery

_ Am I all that you never wanted _

_ Or has it been so long that you forgot it _

_ All we ever share are dial tones _

_ Take your conscience or take your chances _

_ I'll mend your heart and break it in the same breath _

_ All we ever share are dial tones _

**Dial tones  - As it Is**

(3/3)

 

He dialed the number again, but he knew it was hopeless.  She hadn’t picked up the last four times he called that day, why would she pick up now.  Clearly she was unhappy with him.  Her comments the other night had been cutting in a way he hadn’t expected from her and almost like a dismissal.

And what he did afterwards filled him with guilt.  He had been a little drunk, and a bit hurt by her dismissal, as if the last few weeks had meant nothing to her except a bit of stress relief.  It didn’t excuse his behavior, but it was what happened.

He hung up the phone as it got to her voicemail, this time a little quicker than usual.  He had called her enough times to remember the number of rings it went through before switching over, so this was clearly her rejecting the call.  The con side of having cellphones is knowing that fact.

He let the phone clack to the countertop, wishing there was a way to figure out what had happened.  This time had been so different then the last time they broke up.  That time it had been very clear why they were breaking up, and it had been somewhat clean cut.  They had moved on, started becoming friends again.  Then things changed at her birthday, when she allowed him to get away with the flirting, had led him back to her apartment and they had started this whatever it was between them.

He thought things had been going so well.  Except she didn’t seem to be on the same page.  Things had been awkward that morning, with him angling for officialness and her ‘seeing how it goes’.  He supposed it was a poetic justice since it had been the opposite the last time.  And for most of the night when the two of them past one another she would give him a smile that made him eager to see her afterwards.

Only it was like a switch.  At the end of the night she hadn’t been interested anymore.  The look in her eye had been angry and pointed, and her words meant to punish him for some unknown grievance.

Of course he had gone out and given her reason for it all after all.

He sighed and laid his head on his arms resting on the counter.  There was one thing in common with the last time.  He screwed it all up all on his own.

 

* * *

 

 

You’ve earned your degree   
Wise to know cheap talk from flattery   
So I’d drop out   
Before you’re who you hate   
\-- **_”Degenerate” by New Found Glory_ **

(3/7)

Sometime between taking the pills, and the final vomiting adventure, Ivy had come to some conclusions.  They could be summarized in short as she wasn’t too fond of the person she had become.  This Diva who used her friends and significant others to battle someone who only she saw as a foe.  Someone who backstabbed, and slept with another woman’s fiance and then used that information to hurt her.  

This was not the Woman Ivy wanted to be.  Huddled in the room Tom had rented for the month in Boston, she found herself often alone, with periodic check ins by Sam and Tom.  It gave her a lot of time to think, and a lot of time to regret.

To be honest, she wasn’t sure if she had been able to go through with it, if Sam hadn’t found her with half the bottle still left, if anyone would have really cared.  She knew enough to know they would be shocked, and maybe sad to hear it happened, but no one would be distraught because it was *her*, at least not more than a couple.  Tom and Sam for certain, Julia and Eileen maybe.  She had run over too many of her other relationships to really accept more then that. 

She knew part of this was the underlying depression that was a side effect of one of the drugs she was on.  She knew it would take some time, but she eventually see the good in herself again. Tom had already made her promise to see someone when they got back to New York.  But that didn’t really erase the fact that she had screwed up so badly on so many things because of her insecurity and jealousy.  Sure, the mood changes from the various prescriptions had helped, but the underlying problem had been her. Karen Cartwright had stolen her thunder, but only because Ivy had practically gift wrapped it for her.

She promised herself, laying there curled up on the bathroom rug praying this was the last time she’d throw up, that she’d fix it.  She'd fix her friendships, she’d fix her reputation as far as work went.  She would stop being this person she disliked.  She’d start to believe in herself and not try and let her insecurity ruin the day.

She carefully avoided all things Derek, because that was a separate trainwreck.  She’d deal with that later.


	11. September 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ivy makes a change.

**I need to do what that little girl did tonight. I need to start making better choices.”**

_ Dakota ‘About A Boy’ _

_ (9/16) _

 

As Ivy tossed the last of her medications into the garbage, she bit back the anxiety that filled her.  For the last six months she had relied on these to keep her going. Steroids to fix her overtaxed voice. Anxiety meds to cover the symptoms of the steroids.  Sleeping pills to let her sleep at night because the Anxiety meds gave her insomnia. 

She had thought she had everything.  A hot, intelligent and talented boyfriend.  A role in a play that reached her.  Respect of her friends and colleagues.  And she had lost it all.  She had willfully allowed the show, the guy and the medications to overrule her common sense. She had lost her respect for herself as well.

However, that was in Boston.  She had been free of her medications for a couple of weeks now,  they were mostly out of her system.  She could do this.  She could rebuild her career, the respect she had from friends and colleagues.  She got rid of the guy, because as much as she loved him,  she couldn’t handle being second place in that particular area.  She was pretty sure the job was going too, although she planned on fighting like hell to remain with the show.  Hopefully her bad decisions hadn’t made that impossible.

She needed to make better decisions.  Be a better friend, a better coworker, a better actress.  A better her.  And throwing those pills out was only the first step.


	12. July 2016

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Derek gets a wakeup call.

_ Don't waste your time on me _

_ You're already the voice inside my head _

_ I miss you, I miss you _

**\--”I Miss You” by Blink 182**

(7/11)

 

The look in her eyes keep coming back to him as he walked home that night.  The utter disappointment.  It hit harder then Karen’s self-righteousness or Ana’s anger.  He wasn’t sure why.  Out of the three women involved, Ivy was the least affected, this time.  Yet, somehow she was disappointed in him.

Things had been so weird between them lately, ever since Bombshell’s opening.  Even after their first break up, they had never been quite so awkward.  Something had been bothering Ivy, and he had a feeling she was finally going to open up to him about it.  Yet she didn’t.  Instead she had looked at him with disappointed eyes, voiced that disappointment and turned around and left.

Her words hit him as hard as her look,  and as he walked on he realised that she was voicing what he thought about it himself.  He had chosen his career, his reputation, over doing the right thing.  He had hurt Ana professionally and personally, had lost some of the respect that Karen had for him, and Eileen was more pissed off then even Jerry.  And Ivy didn’t want anything to do with him anymore it seemed.

_ You’ll never do the right thing, will you? _

What was the right thing, he wanted to ask that Ivy in his mind who kept repeating her words.  Was it telling the truth?  Making sure that Ana gets another chance?  Inner-Ivy gave him a look, one that told him he knew what the right answer was.  
  
As he climbed into his elevator, he pulls out his cellphone and starts to dial.


End file.
